But of course Aspie would say, “why Aspie doesn’t do mental health illness worries”, is because of his very nature, he doesn’t go out of his way to tell untruths they just materialise into our life when I least expect them because he’s Aspergers while I am neurotypical. Throughout my entire life I have never heard Aspie admit that Mental Health illness worries are amongst his main concerns with mental health stigma causing him even more mental grief.
The truth is, the idea that Aspie doesn’t do mental health illness worries is too absurd to be believed since a part of his nature is anxieties on a daily basis. This is just the very nature of who he is and woven into the very fabric of his DNA. The bottom line it is I who has to be aware of the different levels of anxiety and take the necessary evasive action whenever they appear(depending of where of how any anxiety is generated will require different strategies). In another blog I will write about the different strategies that I use as a coping mechanism to get Aspie back on track to our more rewarding relationship where when an anxiety is forming how best it can be dealt with.
Writing Aspie and Me brought me into the pit of worries and self-doubt. As the years crept by like it or not, my friends and business colleagues used to say to me you must find all this writing of yours very cathartic. It wish they were right but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I would wonder as I edited deeper into the story whether I was treading quicksand and if I wasn’t too careful would be completely consumed by Aspie’s OCD over my inability to being drowned in Mental health Illness worries.
It is one thing writing a book and separating the self from the Aspergers but it was quite a challenge trying to work out exactly where Aspie fitted into my everyday life. Basically when I am able to take a step back from being in thinking mode I am Me. In the Aspie and Me Story my part is played by Hartley.
When my writing appears all about me it might be Hartley telling the story but essentially he is talking about Aspie’s life and how he interfers with his everyday thinking.
A few moments ago I was feeling somewhat depressed. I had already had a very good night’s sleep although something I had eaten last night reacted with my digestive system. For the next couple of hours prior to getting out of my home I was feeling under the weather. Suddenly it is Aspie taking over my thought, OCDing about the vitamins I might be lacking. This overdoing with his thinking will have a negative impact on what I had been planning for the morning. Normally I try to program my day to begin with exercise. My fitness regime might begin with some gentle tai chi.
I try to make it a regular habit that every day is Tai Chi day. It will only take me a matter of ten minutes of gentle movements. How Aspie might impact my progress depends on his mood. If he has woken up on the wrong side of the bed(grumpy or feeling depressed)then it will be come quite an uphill struggle to begin the day with my Tai Chi. Then other exercise regimes that I may wish to initiate will have little chance of being completed because Aspie would be in complete procrastination mode and rest assured anything positive I could hope for will have little chance of achievement.
Invaraibly Aspie will be in control if I have had a bad nights sleep(got to bed too late, too much before bedtime computer work) or my diet had been poor for a host of reasons that I shall be going into in other blogs.
Today whether Aspie liked it or not the day would not be beginning with him in control unless we wanted dog poo all over our home. Aspie might be able to cope with the smell, most certainly he wouldn’t enjoy cleaning the mess and I would be the one who would be phsyically wishing I hadn’t been overwhelmed by his OCD.
Her nam is Sheba and she was the pet Chihuahua of an X who Aspie had become very attached to. I had long ago become very aware of Aspie’s fondness for Dogs, not cats, cats for some reason Aspie didn’t always treat them with the respect they deserved although these days I must say he loves all animals.
In my book chapter 33 is titled Schadenfreudes. The script in this chapter in the story is amongst the most tenuous throughout the entire Aspie and Me storyline. One of the symptoms that I was unaware of at the time of the relationship I would find myself walking into would be akin metaphorically speaking to a male spiders life. The way of his life is to mate with the female although the likelyhood is he will not survive. The thought of being eaten alive is not very appetising in my way of thinking but the male spide has little choice in this decision. I suppose the same theory for the outcome depends on the mood the female spider is in after there episode of love making has taken place, the male spider has injected the source of her eggs so another generation of spiders can thrive. He just has to pray she is not feeling ravenous and needs some additional protein in her diet.
The point I am trying to make in Scadenfreudes, this is exactly what happens to me. It felt like I was being eaten alive. I had no idea that I was getting invovled with a Narcissist, this was Aspie’s doing, love at first sight and misconstruing fate.
The bottom line is by now Aspie is in love, but not just the character in this chapter (Mania);
He has fallen in love with her poodle Coco. Before the end of the day Aspie has moved into the home of his new lover unaware although she might open her legs every time he feels the urge to have some sexual action it will come at a price, 100% attention her way 100% of the time.
Sadly Aspie is unaware of a condition that will make his life intolerable in this relationship. It is called Alexithymia, the inabilty to filter unwanted thoughts or emotions but instead this condition amplifies and exaggerates very uncomfortable facial cues that he is not able to filter. The problem Aspie will have will be felt when he is not giving Mania the desired attention she thrives on and whenever his back is turned to her, the expression on her face changes from her normal seemingly happy go lucky facial cues to nasty insuating scowls that he will take in as though his very heart is being peirced by some unearthly fiend and unless I can find a solution for Aspie, I might find myself facing a murderous situation in which one of us might not make it through the night. Fortunately upon this occasion taking Coco for a walk a Tyrannosaurus of an anxiety(A monster of an anxiety attack) was averted.
However these Tyrannosaurus of anxieties can manifest in many other ways. An example is when Aspie decides he is in OCD mood, must read an article that I probably read several times in the past but because it has appeared in the days email inbox, there must be a new take on the subject and suddenly I am thrown back into Aspie’s confused world. ‘I am ordered to throw out every food that is contaminated with Lectins.
Fantastic Aspie has found a cure for obesity. Stop eating lectin rich foods and I am guarrenteed to lose weight. Suddenly Aspie has created anotherTyrannosaurus of an anxiety. Do as he says and everything he finds paletable he will not be allowed to eat. It will be left to me to convince him, what mother said has good meaning, its all about balance. Have a balanced diet, do not read too much into what you can or cannot have so long as it is not disgestive or some other allergic reaction hopefully in the long run it cannot do too much harm.
Suddenly it is Aspie who has taken back of control of my thoughts;
“Now that just not fair”, he has just intimated to me. It is you who is my conscious thoughts and you make the decisions based on how I feel. Given that you are eating raw peanut and Almond butter I am wondering whether what you are eating is benefiting me or not”?
The underlying message Aspie is trying to tell me is he needs something sweet, some form of sugar. I on the other hand believe sugar is Aspie’s downfall.
My main concern using this morning as an example is that Aspie or my mood swings can change just by the smallest input of emotional disturbance. I like to believe in the long run abstaining from consuming anything with added sugar might create an emotional deficit and negative physical response in the short term. However, if Aspie can keep his faith in me I will show him a new way he can build natural defences to ward off any form of mental health illness.
The downside of my feelings is one moment I feel I can carry on and eventually see light at the end of the tunnel with my persistance and then in a moment the thought is overturned and I want to crawl into bed. So be it I would rather crawl into bed, admit my diet at the moment is giving me the jeeperscreepers and as the weeks go by will be thanking Aspie for persevering with his lifestyle goals, how about you, why don’t you write me and let me know about your life story!